goddess spirituality

Awaiting an Invitation: Personal Boundaries in Relationships

My daily life provided inspiration for today’s #SurvivingnThriving Tuesday. As in I strongly desired to move to an impenetrable castle in the sky surrounded by an alligator-filled moat today when my neighbor decided it was a perfect time to host a live band in his backyard on the one day of rest I have. I decided to channel my frustration into examining why we have boundaries, how they may be experienced by trauma survivors, and how we can establish and manage them in real life. I’m also investigating local bagpipe musicians for hire (j/k)!

The Purpose of Boundaries

Boundaries in relationships convey safety. I see them as twofold: offering an invitation and granting permission to a request. We all have aspects of our physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual and mental being that we cherish, that not everyone gets to access, that we elevate to the VIP section of our being. If people want in, they either need to wait for us to invite them in, or they need to ask permission. It is entirely within our rights to say no at any time for any reason. It should go without saying that this is also how we should treat others. I get weird looks occasionally when I ask permission for things most people would just take; I do it not out of a submissive personality but instead because it is how I want to be treated.

Boundaries and Trauma

One of the core features of an event that crosses from an everyday occurrence to a trauma experience is that it often involves a threshold of personal safety being desecrated or obliterated. This could be on a physical, sexual, verbal or emotional level. The individual emerges from the experience with some aspect of their very being shaken and betrayed. Concepts like complex PTSD and moral injury lend themselves to this type of experience.

What makes a boundary violation traumatic may be rooted in the power difference that frequently occurs in traumatic events. When a parent, teacher, coach, religious leader or other authority figure takes advantage of the imbalance of power to violate boundaries in such way as to induce shame, we are left feeling helpless and hopeless, not to mention estranged from ourselves. I’ve come to believe that some measure of us, perhaps called our soul, remains unvarnished no matter what our body, mind and heart have had to endure. This view has given me comfort in that the sense of something pure and whole lying at my core gives me the strength to reassert myself in the world.

Establishing Boundaries

We do well to speak our needs aloud before they become pressing. Giving those whom you encounter a fleshed-out synopsis of who you are in a casual way allows those who are emotionally competent to pick up your preferences and “no-go” zones. For example, I tend to try to find a way to mention my values, likes/dislikes and habits to people as I get to know them. I’d much rather they decide our level of compatibility or how well-suited we are to work closely together from the start. This approach will likely be much more successful if you are comfortable with who you are. If your outward stance on things is based on adjusting to what those around you think, it’s very easy to find yourself frequently offended. Others will walk all over your true values because they aren’t visible or known to them.

Not everyone has the capacity to discern what you are communicating through how you present yourself. Some individuals may have conditions that affect their ability to perceive social cues. Others know full well what you want but don’t care. In these cases, I think we need to be direct, unapologetic and unambiguous regarding where our conditions of relationship are located. For instance, there have been people I’ve had to tell more than once that I wasn’t interested in a certain type of relationship, with increasing bluntness until they finally got the message.

Handling Boundary Violations

When I first learned about the concept of boundaries, I naively thought that all it took to set them was to know what I wanted and share it with others; the potential conflict was the ending point in my mind, rather than the start. My life experience has taught me that many people respond negatively when a boundary is laid out. It can be very hard to hear a ”no” from someone else.

I think the reason we may respond to someone setting a marker with us in a defensive manner is that we are often conditioned to have to know what others want without them telling us. This means that someone needing to tell us that they don’t like or want something means we have failed in our minds, and this leads directly to feelings of shame. People tend to struggle to manage feelings of shame appropriately. It is significantly easier to call others “oversensitive” “emotional” or “demanding” if they express their true desires to us, rather than accept the limitations they are placing on our behavior towards them.

I absolutely hate it when my actions lead another person to feel shame, but I know in most of the specific cases where it’s occurred that the alternative was for me to act in a disingenuous way that would have caused me feelings of bitterness and resentment, and would have damaged the relationship more severely in the long run. If you find yourself often offended at others’ behaviors, it may be a sign that you are allowing yourself to proceed into situations that might have been preventing if you had established your limits with the other person earlier.

To circle back to what this means for trauma survivors, it is possible that we can do everything possible to cordon off aspects of ourselves as sacred, as our own, and desire to let others into those areas only when trust has been established, only to find that all the self-knowledge and empowerment in the world can’t withstand every threat. Sometimes we are too small or young or vulnerable or simply human to protect ourselves. It makes my blood boil to think of people taking advantage of others in this way. I’ve talked about my perspective on justice previously; all I will say here is that I think no one can take possession nor damage the core of who we are, and I think there are many more people in the world who would help us heal than hurt us.

Negotiating Boundaries in Relationships

I’m not sure if there is something inherently individualistic about the self-definition that comes with healthy and flexible boundaries. Many proponents of Goddess Spirituality emphasize the communal aspects of life and the interdependence which allows for reliance on others and work towards common goals. Even within this framework, I think there is a potential for each of us to have emotions, thoughts and behaviors that are our own, while also celebrating the interweaving of our lives.

Personal boundaries may be an artificial creation from a metaphysical perspective. If we see ourselves as one speck in the web of life, carefully carving out the diameter of our “speckness” may seem an exercise in pettiness and futility. At the same time, as I mentioned above, I cannot overemphasize the degradation and annihilation of self I’ve experienced being in relationship with those who lack the ability to acknowledge and respect boundaries. Being subsumed into another’s psyche is not healthy nor life-giving.

With these dialectics in mind, I think the key concepts here are fluidity and evolution. Visualize your boundaries as made of water rather than stone. Enough water moving in the same direction can be an incredibly strong force, knocking buildings off their foundations. Water can also be a gentle kiss on a misty morning. When our boundaries are fluid, we can respond to the specific situation in which we find ourselves, while also adhering to our general preferences and expectations to relationships. Maybe the particular issue facing us will work best with a soft stream redirecting the energy, and maybe it needs a waterfall torrent of strength to establish our presence. Liquid in nature is constantly evolving in response to the energy and forces surrounding, and so can we.

goddess spirituality, pagan

Why Goddess Spirituality Matters for Trauma Survivors

I want to consider the specific benefits those of us who are trauma survivors and who are interested in Goddess Spirituality may glean as we grow in our practice for this #SurvivingnThriving Tuesday. Some individuals, myself included, see Goddess Spirituality as their spiritual home in and of itself. Others incorporate aspects of it into their own religion or spiritual beliefs. I think there is something incredibly powerful and raw about seeking the Divine Feminine, practicing her rites and embodying her strength, love, compassion and wisdom.

Centered in the Body

For many people who practice Goddess Spirituality, one of the aspects of it that is vitally uplifting is the emphasis it places on our bodies. They are not viewed the seat of our sin or impurities, instead, they are the very source of our strength. Instead of molding them to fit society’s expectation for our weight, appearance or gender expression, we can define our own positive relationship with them. Female biological processes like menstruation and bearing children are elevated to spiritual acts. Death is not something to be feared or defeated; it is a passageway back into the Universe, back into the ether, with new beginnings just around the corner.

When we cease to be alienated from our bodies, when we connect with each cell and celebrate its connection to Source, we can shed so much struggle. I spent decades trying to conform my body into what it “should” look like and judged my behaviors as “good” or “bad.” I still categorize my actions as healthy or unhealthy at times, but the strict dichotomy with which I approached myself and others has diminished.

Non-Linear Thinking

Goddess Spirituality, at least as I practice it, allows for dialectics and contradictions, letting them blur rather than insisting on The Truth. This feels like a much more honest way to live my life and honors the traumatic past through which I struggled. Many of us with trauma histories were hurt by those who were supposed to love and protect us. The tender moments were interspersed with horrors. I think this is very difficult to resolve psychologically. We do not live in a just world where karma or action-consequence are clearly delineated.

I’ve gotten riled up when others have tried to paint the world as composed of people who are basically the same, just “flawed” in their own unique ways. There’s flawed and then there’s flawed. And still, I know that the people that harmed me are not completely evil 24/7. The sense of Goddess being, at the same time, triple in form, or revealing Herself through many myths and legends, none of which fully capture Her Essence, helps me release some of this struggle into the unknown, in the vastness of our collective consciousness, from which it returns to me in a new form with a new layer of understanding. The cycle, like the moon cycle, repeats.

Many Representations of Universal Love

Goddess shows Herself to us as we search to understand Her. Many of the individuals I know who practice Goddess Spirituality and/or paganism describe feeling called by a certain expression of Goddess Energy. I’m working my way towards this. I am continually energized each time I learn about another Goddess or another Divine Feminine practice. I do not think there is one way to “do” Goddess Spirituality, nor is there one representation which fully captures Source. Many Goddess myths include experiences that could easily be conceptualized as traumatic in nature, which may speak to survivors at different parts of his or her recovery.

Meaningful Ritual and Ceremony

Group ritual that celebrates Goddess is sometimes tied to female biological processes such as a girl’s first menstrual cycle or pregnancy. It can also be expanded to inner moments of transformation, such as when an individual chooses to dedicate himself or herself to a particular Deity or embarks on a new creative undertaking. Some individuals who practice Goddess Spirituality consider themselves Pagans and conduct ritual to mark the Pagan Wheel of the Year. I’m ambivalent about specific group ceremony directly related to healing for trauma survivors as I think there is a very high bar in terms of education, training, experience and safety for trauma survivors to benefit from this type of work.

One can also be a Solitary Practitioner of Goddess Spirituality. This is what I consider myself to me, although I do participate in some Pagan holiday celebrations. As a Solitary, I am able to fully tap into my creative energies to create healing spiritual practice. I also benefit from access to many online and written resources that I tailor to my specific situation. I intend to more fully flesh out specific rituals for healing from trauma that I can adapt to my own needs, again, I think this is best sought after a survivor has an established therapy relationship and sufficient support in place in order to avoid accidental re-traumatization.

Goddess Spirituality is a dynamic, growing practice and body of knowledge with ancient roots. Trauma survivors looking to incorporate it into their spiritual practice may find the rituals, Goddess representations, and thealogy inspiring. Please feel free to share how the two topics have been integrated into your experience.

goddess spirituality, inspiration

Goddessing Through Our Bodies

I was in my mid-20’s when the accumulated stress of my experiences of childhood trauma finally broke through and nearly broke me. Along with the classic PTSD symptoms like flashbacks, emotional avoidance and heightened vigilance, I started to have a host of physical issues like migraines, digestive problems, and muscle pain. As you’ll discover on this #SurvivingnThriving Tuesday, the connection between traumatic experiences and our bodies helps to explain not only the outcomes of trauma but also the potential treatments for it.

Effects of Trauma on the Body

Aside from any physical injury or illness that results directly from traumatic events, these experiences can also leave their marks on our body when we develop conditions like PTSD. Several areas of the brain, including those used for reasoning, memory and emotional processing, can malfunction after trauma. People with PTSD also often experience disruptions in their stress hormones, which can lead to either reacting to minor triggers or failing to react to major issues.

Trauma, even a single event, can negatively affect almost every body system, including how our hearts work, how we digest food, how our reproductive system works, how much pain we can tolerate and how well we are able to fight off infections. Facts like these leave me frustrated when I hear people telling trauma survivors to “leave the past in the past” and “just let it go.” Although we can heal, recover and move onto healthier and happier lives, these experiences are etched in our bodies and minds.

Body-Centered Healing

Given the extent to which trauma can affect the body, it’s no surprise that treatment of PTSD and related conditions in survivors of trauma has expanded to include techniques that focus on the survivor’s relationship with his or her body. Mindfulness meditation, which can include awareness of body states in the present moment, has been used to reduce PTSD symptoms in a veteran population. Somatic experiencing therapies, which help the person work through blocked reactions to trauma, have limited but promising research.

Alternative healing practices such as yoga, acupuncture, massage and Reiki are used by many individuals recovering from a trauma history as an adjunct to psychotherapy and as a way to reconnect with their bodies. For instance, I’ve found that receiving a massage, especially from a practitioner skilled in bodywork, has released unexpected emotions and helped me process aspects of my experiences. I’ve also found that using hot stones during massage gives me focal points that help me stay grounded in my body.  For these types of approaches, don’t be shy in letting the person with whom you are working know what you need.

Incorporating Spirituality Into Healing

There has been some research on incorporating spiritual practice into the treatment of the effects of trauma, but, overall, I think this potential healing resource has been under-utilized. A search of Google Scholar revealed an especially parse landscape in the way of Goddess Spirituality and trauma treatment, although I did find a kickass dissertation by Karen Grijalva about including this type of spirituality in working with rape survivors. Those who center their spirituality on Goddess often focus on embodied spiritual practices that many, including myself, have found to be healing. I would love to see more researchers acknowledge the role Goddess Spirituality plays in the lives of some trauma survivors, in order to develop programs that tailor interventions to this population.

Our bodies can be affected both physically and mentally by traumatic experiences, sometimes with devastating consequences. There are both traditional psychotherapeutic as well as complementary approaches which focus on the body that can help with the healing process. More investigation is needed to determine the specific effects practicing Goddess Spirituality can have for trauma survivors in terms of their mental health functioning.