Embodied Heart, Inner Work

Inner Workings: Dissociative Identity Disorder and Childhood Trauma

In today’s #InnerWork/#EmbodiedHeart post, I want to detail the fragmentation that my childhood traumatic experiences caused in my inner world. I have previously explored some aspects of dissociation, but I would like to look in more depth as to how the abusive situations I’ve endured have affected my personality structure. I will then reflect on some of the inner spiritual work which I have personally found to be supportive.

Choose Wisely: Life as an Artificial Appendage or an Object

As I’ve listened to and read about the experience of others who have endured childhood trauma, one theme that has resonated with me is that of there being “no safe place.” This was certainly my experience growing up. My father sexually abused me for several years during my childhood, and my mother, blatantly ignoring the abuse, sought to corrupt my sense of self until I was nothing more than a servile and loyal companion, there to meet her every need. In addition to completely denying both the abuse and her own behavior, she acted as though I should be grateful that she tolerated my presence and allowed me to exist. To her, I was just another body part, completely dependent on her, incapable of my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. For my father, I was nothing more than a disposable item to be used as he saw fit and discarded when my value was drained. Neither saw me as a person in my own right; truthfully, neither really saw me at all. For whatever it is worth, my view of my parents has been consistent ever since I removed myself from their presence over a decade ago. Whether that is a failure of imagination on my part or a stark snapshot of the realities of my childhood is debatable, perhaps both views hold truth.

What I came to learn about myself within days of breaking contact with them, and what I have not fully elaborated on through this blog until now, is the level of internal disconnection which their behavior caused me. And, I supposed, which I “chose” to engage in, as much as a child of four or five can choose such things. The various behavior states their actions induced, such as the shame-filled being who thinks she is worse than them, or the depressed state who believes all hope is lost, coalesced into shards of selves, entities who are distinct in terms of memory, habit, emotions, cognitive processes and embodied physiology. In other words, I have dissociative identity disorder. I am nervous about sharing this diagnosis, as I have had people close to me react with fear, disbelief, anger and other assorted emotions when I fully elaborate my inner experience. Very few have responded in a way that has left me feeling supported or understood.

I am high-functioning in terms of my professional life and my ability to manage most aspects of my well-being. I have not been institutionalized or required psychotropic medication for my condition (also, there isn’t really medication that directly deals with it anyway). Where I hit a brick wall is in two areas: a. my ability to manage my emotions when faced with significant triggers and b. close interpersonal relationships.

I wrote recently about my issues with my house situation and my hyperacusis. I cannot abide loud noises; they prevent me from being able to fully access my higher-level thinking skills and send me straight into flight or fight, with parts at the helm over whom I can exert only minimal control. In some instances, I can literally feel “myself”—the part whom I view as representing the most “adult” version of who I am—slowly creeping back into my mental horizon the further I drive away from my house if my neighbors are being obnoxious.

In regards to relationships, I’ve come to accept that certain parts of me will have already decided I’m finished interacting with someone months before the rest of me catches wind of the plan. These parts have a trademark; they often share a hand-made gift with the other person. I get nervous whenever I become suddenly “crafty” as I know it is likely portends to a relationship change, even if I have nothing intentionally determined. Shortly before I began to dissolve my contact with my parents, I gave my siblings a personalized gift which I think initiated this behavioral pattern.

In order for an individual’s personality structure to fail to integrate during childhood, psychologists suggest a specific set of criteria must typically be met. First, dissociative identity disorder is specifically linked with trauma during early or perhaps middle childhood, because by the time we become adolescents, our personalities have usually achieved at least a proto-form and, although still highly malleable compared to later in adulthood, they have enough structure that they are unlikely to completely disintegrate into separate “selves.” Secondly, it is typically abuse within the family system that leads to structural dissociation because it is offensive acts coupled with the lack of someone who can assist us in dealing with the trauma that turns the stress level up to “toxic.” Lastly, some people are more able to dissociate than others; it typically requires some amount of creativity, imagination, intelligence and self-induced trancing skill. It is possible that the behavior is or needs to be modeled; I am certain looking back that my mother dissociated on a regular basis.

Dissociative identity disorder as a diagnosis is not without controversy. The irony of coming to awareness regarding having this diagnosis while in graduate school related to psychology, as well as experiencing professionals discount anyone who has it as a farce in front of me, without knowing I had it, is not lost on me. I can present myself as “normal” because I have dissociative identity disorder, not despite it. It is my belief that if someone’s internal system is resilient and skillful, it can choose to reveal itself when the coast is clear, rather than requiring a professional to disassemble it for the person. I will discuss the therapeutic approaches which I found to be the best fit for me in future writing, but, for now, I want to turn to a discussion of spirituality within a context of internal discord and separation.

Spiritual Concepts and Practices to Affirm Fragmented Selves

Individuals without significant dissociation can experience ego states or situations where they may identify what seems like a “part of self.” Some may be able to conceptualize, for instance, an inner child or an angry self. In this way, the beliefs and practices I describe below are potentially accessible to anyone and are not limited to people who have structural dissociation.

If you do in fact have dissociative parts and/or a significant trauma history, I would strongly encourage you to discuss anything below that interests you with your support system/professional therapist before trying to implement it. Our systems have unique ways of reacting to new ideas and experiences which can sometimes be quelled or soothed through carefully examining a concept or practice before we try it on. I once completely lost the ability to feel or inhabit the lower half of my body in a yoga class meditation. There was something in the instructions about imagining a blue light and “leaving behind” that part of the corporal state; I fled the room before my neck and head were “taken!” I say that to urge extreme caution in “forcing” your system into anything it resists; open-door invitations tend to be much more powerful than shoves.

Inner Goddess

I have shared the edges of this topic previously, but here I want to dig into why it matters to me from a dissociative framework. I hold that each of us has an Inner Being, both individually and as a collective entity, who is a rock of stability amidst a bed of shifting sands. We can turn to this Inner Being whenever we are experiencing internal conflict and can take solace in Her ability to emanate wisdom. I use the word emanate because She is not another fragmented part, instead she is the Self of Internal Family Systems Therapy and the Divine Feminine in Goddess thealogy, thus, She does not necessarily speak in an isolated voice but instead infuses all parts of self, through loving attention, with a righted knowing of what the next step will be or what is required in terms of action. My system is still getting used to returning to Her instead of fighting amongst ourselves; some of my most transformative experiences have come through this centering. I use the feminine here because that is my inner working, but I would expect Her to take on whatever form best fits each individual’s needs.

It’s In the Cards

I have found tarot and oracle cards to be a technology through which I can better understand parts of myself and through which I can encourage parts who may be more isolated or stuck to try on a new way of thinking. I often ask a specific question and see what guidance the cards provide. I do not take the answers as black or white decrees. Instead, I listen internally to see what the various selves have to say about their meaning. Sometimes I am able to achieve consensus and sometimes I am still left with disagreements. I have slowly come to accept that internal answers of yes/no, uttered in the same breath, represent a polarization which my system believes is necessary to protect a self of whom I may or may not be aware. Some parts of who I am are highly aesthetically-oriented—even if our artistic skill as a being falls short—so the images that come with the cards have been powerful and can sometimes reach parts of selves in spots where mere words may fail.

Embodied Ritual

A specific challenge that I face as someone who dissociates is that some parts of who I am collectively really like “pretty things.” When I first got in touch with having dissociative identity disorder, and some parts started to move from feeling trapped in rigid roles to increasing places of self-expression, I spent a significant amount of money for which I’ve never been fully able to account. Even now, I will find items I purchased or obtained and which I have no or limited memory of acquiring. Luckily I have another part who loves to purge things, so I cycle through items instead of hording. As I’ve obtained increased internal awareness and cooperation, I’ve attempted to achieve balance with my spending and purging. Ritual which involves breathing exercises, yoga poses, mindfulness meditation and other actions which are free of cost has been particularly useful in achieving this goal. In addition, I refresh my altar and other items seasonally, four times a year, instead of on a whim. Consistently attending to both the rhythms of nature and the rhythms of my body has allowed me to have something against which I can pattern my behavior that is cyclical and undulating, instead of erratic and sharp in its contrasts.

To conclude, this post feels like the first of many related to these topics. I’ve certainly touched on some of my spiritual practices before, but I have not previously given them the full context in terms of how they relate to my inner structure and situation. I have a long way to go to achieve full internal awareness, transparency and cooperation, but I am and will continue to be grateful for the ability of my small self to devise a way of being through which I could endure and eventually escape my upbringing, and for the presence of Goddess in providing me with a renewed connection to spiritualty which affirms and supports my healing. I look forward to learning about any pieces of my story with which you connect and any spiritual concepts or practices that you have found to be beneficial in healing from childhood trauma.

Naturally Mindful

Miracle Moments

Cross-posted at my SageWoman blog.

During some intentional inner work time, I pulled the Mother Mary card from the Guidance Guidance Oracle card deck. I felt an aversion to the phrase it contained—“expect a miracle.” My childhood religious training has infused the word miracle with implications of salvation from sin and requirements of faith. My scientific training has added additional complications by creating great skepticism in me as to whether anything can exist that could not ultimately be dissected and analyzed. However, as I reflect upon for today’s #NaturallyMindful Monday, in sitting with that word for a while in meditation and carrying it in the back of my mind throughout the day, I’ve found myself growing in my ability to relate to it from a place of awareness and gratitude.

Unexpected good fortune is one hook with which I’ve caught ahold of the experience of miracle. I had a situation a few weeks ago in which I had a highly charged moment that I thought would be repeated ad nauseum for the next several months. Without any effort on my part, the situation instead resolved itself with a day. I can get caught up easily in the useful fantasy that the only way positive events will occur in my life is if I work very hard to make them happen. The experiences of delight and relief that pepper my pathways when I finally stop striving to create them are blessings indeed.

Instances of serendipity also help me grab onto the concept of a miracle. I’ve been stressing about my dog who is a few years old and may need surgery at some point for his knee condition. Even though he should have a good long time with me yet, I get myself worked up about what it will be like when he ages and passes on. As I pondered this, a random stranger came up to me at a pet store and told me she had a friend whose two Yorkies lived into their mid-20’s! Twenty or more years as a possible outcome was not something I had even considered (and know is highly unusual). But for a second, it felt like Goddess herself was appearing and letting me know that trusting in the moment and allowing life to unfold without a firm sense of where or how each fork in the road will occur is not only a happier choice but also possibly a more realistic one. I wonder how many “angels” I brush past in my rush to control rather than to be present with my fate.

Nature presents herself as a living miracle to me. It has been a “real” winter where I live with lots of snow. The temperature has been creeping upward for a few days recently, even thought the nights are still cold. It only took hours of warmth for me to notice some kind of greenery (probably weeds!) starting to poke through the mulch, as well as some insects to begin to buzz around. What seemed just days ago to be lifeless, decayed and rotted is already unfurling and crawling with movement and hope, as if Goddess in her Nature form is being transfigured from death to life.

What do you think of the word “miracle?” To what extent or in what ways are you able to appreciate it, and where might you feel challenged by it? What blessing and “angels” have appeared in your life?

Inner Work

Mindful Amid the Snowfall

Cross-posted at my SageWoman blog.

For today’s #InnerWork Wednesday, I’m borrowing from my previous practice of mindfully observing a leaf and applying this concept to winter, specifically, to snow. If you live in a climate where it does not snow, most of the practice could easily be adapted using crushed ice.

Sensory Exploration

Begin by using four or five of your senses to observe the snow.

Sight

What colors are reflected by the snow? How might the depth of the snow affects its hue? What patterns and shapes does it contain? As the snow falls, how does it change in shape, texture or form, and to what do you attribute the changes? Where is it ordered, and where do you see disorder? What happens where the snow meets other objects? How do the edges of where the snow has landed differ from deep areas?

Sound

What is the sound of snow falling? What noises do you hear as it affects various objects and structures? What sounds emanate as you walk or travel over it? Drop the snow to the ground. What sounds does it make? Pack some snow together. What noises are created?

Texture

Cradle a bit of snow in the palm of your hand. What does it feel like? What energies do you find emanating from it? Pack some snow together again. How does the texture change when it is held lightly versus being crushed? How does the sensation of temperature alter as you hold the snow? How does your body respond to holding it?

Smell

Sniff the snow and notice any hints of smell that emerge from it. To what extent is it affected by its surroundings, and to what extent is its scent, if it has any, its own? What scent does snowfall lend to the overall environment around you?

Taste

Depending upon where you live and the pattern of snowfall, experts have some recommendations regarding tasting snow. Crushed ice may be a good alternative here. If you choose to eat a small amount, note the taste, smell and texture as you first eat some versus when it dissolves in your mouth. How does the temperature of your mouth change the form?

Mindful Transformation

If the energy feels right, collect four samples of snow, perhaps from different places around you. You’ll be connecting each sample to a different element and experience.

Earth

If you have a potted plant or another indoor source of dirt, bring some snow inside and bury it in the soil. What is it like to flip the order—snow under earth? How is the energy affected by the introduction of this cold form of water? Alternatively, you can spend time observing snow melt into the soil on a warming day.

Air

Wait until there is a breeze, and release some snow into the air. What trajectory does it take? What are the characteristics of its flight? Where and how does it land?

Fire

Expose some snow to candlelight or sunlight. How does its characteristics change in the light? What happens as it is transformed into liquid water by the heat?

Water and Spirit

Snow is the water element in crystallized form. It differs from ice mainly in density—a snow-pile will be comprised of both air and water while a block of ice is mainly water. The shape of each snowflake is in part dictated by the temperature at which it forms. Snow can also contain bits of dust. In this way, it is truly an intertwining of each of the four elements.

Enshrine the remaining sample of snow in a jar on your personal altar or in another sacred space. Notice any thoughts and emotions that arise from doing so. Continue to use your senses as you incorporate it into your altar space and ritual practice. When the winter season ends, you may return it to the water element in the spring rains, or you may choose to keep it as a permanent part of your altar.

Naturally Mindful

Elemental Meditation-Air

Within Paganism, the Air Element is linked with aspects of creativity, self-expression and mental engagement. For today’s #NaturallyMindful reflection, I will be exploring the connection between the physical properties of air and the spiritual implications of our relationship with it in this second installment of my series on the elements (see Earth). I’ll also be examining some of the psychological effects our relationship with air can have on us.

Lines and Swirls

The movement of air is intimately related to the fire element of the sun; wind is forged when air is heated by the sun’s rays and expands. We often describe human growth and development in the language of both light and air. Beginnings are “enlighted.” Change is “in the wind.” Wind not only originates with the fire element, it can in turn fan the flames of infernos. Contemplate for a moment the ways in which empowerment and inspiration are inter-played in your own life with aspects of movement and evolution. What can we learn from the dance of wind and fire?

Wind moves in three dimensions at once by flowing in straight lines or swirling in spinning vortexes. How often we as humans desire linearity—for things to progress forward—with no strange angles or curves! There is a beauty, though, I think in the undulations of a field of wheat or the rocking of branches to and fro in a storm. The trajectory of our lives is likewise uneven and flitting; accepting the unpredictability and possibility of what is to come can be exhilarating in the way it frees us from expectation.

Air is ever-present yet the quality of its movement is inherently transient. We feel its force and then it’s gone. Our mental processes are likewise temporary. Mindfulness meditation practices sometimes make use of imagery related to air to help individuals with anxiety loosen their grip on the need to obsess over fear-provoking thoughts. For instance, the person may be encouraged to imagine the thought as a balloon, which can be released into the air and watched as it floats away.

In Breath and Out Breath

The air we inhale is not made primarily of oxygen. Our lungs are responsible for selectively filtering the oxygen out of the mixture of gasses, moving it to our blood. Humans require a constant supply of oxygen in order to produce energy to “run” the cells of our body. Without it, our brain quickly dies. It amazes me to think that every human in existence relies on an “invisible” gaseous substance every moment of their life. Each in-breath feels like a tiny miracle within this framework.

We exhale air in which the oxygen content has been transferred to carbon dioxide. Trees and other plant life absorb this carbon dioxide and transform it back to oxygen. This symbiotic relationship extends to other aspects of our breath, as trees also block harmful particles in air.

Breathing exercises that focus on regulating the pace of our inhalations and exhalations can reduce stress. Individuals who suffer from the effects of traumatic events may find attuning to breath to be a grounding experience. The next time you engage in this mindfulness practice, extend your awareness to the sources of the in-breath and the gifting of the out-breath to nearby vegetation.

A Voice to the Void

We harness the power of air each time we speak. Consider that each time you say something aloud, your body, through an intricate balancing act, is constricting and releasing air just so in order to pronounce each syllabus. It takes us years as children to master this choreography; there are plenty of individuals for whom, due to physical conditions, a precisely-timed pirouette of sounds proves elusive even in adulthood.

The space between objects within our galaxy is filled with the Interstellar Medium, a near-vacuum compromised only of very tiny particles made of substances like “crystals” as well as thin gases such as hydrogen. Our voices do not directly reach this void as far as I understand physics, but it is fascinating to me to consider how much “hot air” many of us generate on a regular basis in speaking without genuine need or purpose. Ritual chanting in Pagan practice becomes elevated to a sacred act for me when I consider collective voices calling into the night.

Air is ethereal, there but unseen. We need it and we shudder to think what it means for our existence when breath ceases. It give life to our innermost thoughts as we render them to spoken word. What has the air element meant for you in your life? In what ways do you connect its physical characteristics to your psychological and spiritual life? How might you alter your relationship with it, for instance through awareness of your breath?

Surviving & Thriving

“Just Stay Positive” and Other Fallacies

If only keeping an optimistic mindset was the answer to all of life’s ills. Few things are more invalidating then telling people about a difficulty or struggle, only to have their first response be “well, you just need to look on the bright side.” For today’s #SurvivingnThriving Tuesday, I will be focusing on thinking patterns that frequently occur for individuals who have dealt with trauma. I desire to hold space for this discussion within a context that provides validation and support. My intention here to is examine language and concepts that may be useful in better understanding ourselves, and to discuss ideas at the intersection of spirituality and our inner thoughts. This is not an exhaustive study; I’m focusing specifically on aspects of thoughts to which I can relate in order to provide both a topical discussion and a personal reflection.

Cognitive Distortions

1. Depressive Rumination

Rumination is but one of many facets of depressed thinking. For me, it is a return, again and again, to a situation that I just can’t leave mentally. I perseverate on it. I mull it over, reminding myself repeatedly of what the other person did that was hurtful, or the specific ways in which I failed. Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness pervade. This wasn’t just a one-off; this is how it always goes for me and how it will always be, no matter what I do.

My certainty at the failure of myself and of others may not be the driver of this type of thinking. Rather, I go back to the place and time mentally as though watching a movie, believing in some irrational space that I can find the key warning, the ominous glance or sigh, the misunderstood intention, either so that in doing so I can rewrite history, or so that I can prevent this type of situation from ever occurring again. Ultimately, I refuse to accept that I failed, that the other person failed me and/or that failure may occur in the future. Perhaps the situation was truly unpredictable and unavoidable. It may be easier for my depressed mind to live in a state of half-truths, not quite aware of the real and not quite aware of the fantasy.

2. Anxious Obsessions

As a self-styled worry-wart, my mind is filled with anxious thoughts on a non-stop radio bandwidth only I can hear. I’ve lived a million possible futures and all of them end badly. If our thoughts really do become projections in an alternate universe, I’d like to take a moment to apologize to the troubled selves I’ve created. I can’t adjust the noise or tune it out; what I can manage on good days is brief moments of static during which another frequency can also play.

The best is when something unexpected happens. I go into “matrix mode.” Every potential outcome and its consequences are immediately weighed and balanced until a solution is found. On those special occasions where the most likely courses of actions are deemed too risky, the machine of my mind keeps running and running, hoping something more enticing will “compute.” Goddess forbid anyone attempt to give me a suggestion about how to solve my problem; literally within minutes of a stressor happening I have already measured out and rejected whatever the other person eventually ends up telling me to do. The whole enterprise is exhausting and isolating, but, short of substance abuse, I’ve found little to tame it.

Anxious thoughts have a natural antidote—compulsive behaviors. Worried about a relationship? Ask the other person if everything is okay. When the person says it is, my anxiety decreases. Nervous about paying for bills? I’ll check my bank account one more time to remind myself I have sufficient funds. These behaviors unfortunately do nothing more than maintain the anxiety, but I find them very difficult to avoid.

3. Hostile Intent

Anger and anxiety are cousins; we fight what we cannot flee and flee what we perceive ourselves unable to fight. In terms of thinking, psychologists have conceptualized “hostile attribution bias” as an explanation for aggressive behavior. In ambiguous situations, the angry mind may interpret potentially benign behaviors as threats. Even something as subtle as a facial expression can be a dig, an affront to our respect.

I’ve trained myself again and again to question the automatic assumptions my mind forms, and to directly discuss the issue in a non-attacking way with the other person. I try to describe the behavior I observed literally, and then lay out possible innocent and hostile interpretations for why the other person may have taken the action. Basically, I state “I saw you doing X, and I’m not sure if you meant Y or Z. Please help me understand.” In dealing with people I do not know well, I am almost always wrong in my assumption of hostility.

A red flag needs to be waived here though to caution regarding those individuals who are manipulative or abusive. They will seize on your openness to multiple interpretations as a way to disarm and gaslight you. If I’ve called someone on something and the person repeats a similar behavior or steps it up a notch, I disengage any attempt at “understanding” and focus on safety and maintaining boundaries in the situation.

4. Invalidation

Thoughts of invalidation can be initiated by another person or they can originate in our own mind. They are only able to affect us to the extent to which we accept them as truth. These types of thoughts delegitimize our experience behaviorally or emotionally. “That didn’t really happen that way.” “I don’t feel this.” “I’m fine.” “The other person didn’t do this, say this, or mean this.” Thoughts of this nature often function to temporarily decrease our uncomfortable or awkward feelings. If we use denial and discounting on a regular basis, our reality begins to warp. In our distancing of ourselves from our feelings or experiences, we can inadvertently undermine our sense of self and our connection to others.

I believe an insistence on “higher vibrations” and “positive thoughts only” frequently serve as sources of internal invalidation. It is neither reasonable nor healthy to deny anything that isn’t sugar-coated and syrupy. Terrible things happen every day to people who do not deserve them; I think we all need to wrestle with this reality if we want to live authentic and deep spiritual lives. It is completely acceptable to have periods of time where we are unable to do so because of our own situation, but to judge and discount those who point out this truth as “negative” exemplifies the spiritual bypass route of denial in my opinion.

Goddessing Our Thoughts

Psychological assistance is often needed to deal with past trauma. Many therapies directly target thought distortions and work to help individuals reinterpret and reclaim their experiences. The first step is almost always noticing our thoughts; recognizing when we are denying our feelings or misinterpreting others gives us an opportunity to see things from another vantage-point. I will leave it to you to determine the mental health care you may need related to these issues; I want to focus instead on spiritual aspects of our thinking. In other words, my suggestions are not prescriptive ways to “fix” thinking problems, instead, they are ways to gently support yourself while you do the hard work of trauma recovery.

1. Remind Yourself of the Bigger Picture

A wider perspective often serves to help us gain a foothold when we feel overwhelmed by anxious, depressed or angry thoughts. Perhaps there is someone you trust to give an honest appraisal of your situation. Engaging in actions like journaling may open your mind to another way to view your experience. If possible, taking a break to clear your mind may help you to re-center and re-engage with a new mindset.

It can also be useful to practice specific calming statements. The ones I use are not always particularly positive, but they are effective for me. I frequently remind myself of how short and unpredictable life can be, as a way to let go of minor irritations into which I could otherwise become entwined. When people get under my skin, I tell myself that they are going to have to spend the rest of their lives with their sorry selves, and I am lucky to only have to play a bit role in interacting with them. My anxiety and anger flare significantly when I am under time pressure, so I actively return to the idea that I have enough time and that a catastrophe is not going to result based on being a little short on time.

2. Connect Your Struggles to Those of the Divine

I have only begun to take full advantage of this way of supporting myself. A multitude of myths, legends and stories exist of Goddesses and other Divine figures, each of whom faced Her own trials and tribulations. By familiarizing myself with these tales, as well as experiencing the Presence of the Divine directly, we can diminish our sense of otherness and the isolation that negative thoughts may bring. I think we often find Source in others as well.

3. Include Positivity Alongside the Difficult

Psychological research shows us that those who are resilient do not necessarily think only positive thoughts. Instead, when faced with difficulties, they are able to find light moments. The easiest way I have found to ensure this happens is to make a regular practice of gratitude. I passionately detest any notion that we should feel better simply because someone somewhere else has it worse than us. Suffering in one form does not negate suffering in another form; it’s just more suffering. What I mean by gratitude is that there are always moments, even on my worst days, of beauty, gentleness, unexpected good fortune and hope. Allowing these experiences to exist alongside my misery, instead of as a counterweight to it, lets me breathe and take in both the good and the bad at the same time.

4. Use Ritual and Routine as Behavioral Aids

Waiting for the right mood to strike before taking action can be excellent fodder for procrastination and can act as an impediment to progress. Sometimes the action has to proceed the internal motivation. I’ve noticed that my routines and my spiritual practices tend to set the stage for me to feel connected and centered, especially if I stick to them with regularity no matter what my internal thoughts want me to do. A depressed mindset can easily twist a failure to follow through into one more reason we should feel guilty and unworthy. I simply notice when I’ve gotten off my routine and do my best to steer myself back on track.

5. Practice Awareness of Body, Mind and Heart

Our thoughts do not occur in isolation. They interplay with our emotions and our physical states. Simply gaining an internal awareness of the interconnected relationship between these internal experiences may assist us in better understanding who we are and how we function. We get to decide what we want to do with this knowledge. Practices like mindfulness can assist in this inner work.

Because I view our physical existence as a core component of spirituality, I see the insight we can gain about ourselves as having spiritual implications. We are each a unique expression of the Divine. As such, we reflect a specific core of energy. The more we are able to see the colors, shapes and shifts of who we are, the more our place in the cosmic web can become solidified and strengthened, and the more we can use this place of power to affect positive change in the world.

I think that’s it. I’ve spent so much money, time and effort in therapy and on my own trying to fix myself, trying to change myself, and the question is always to what end. Why does it matter what I think? Who cares how much I’m incorporating the positive or practicing my rituals? In my view, I see now that ultimately I am not putting in this effort solely to reduce my own suffering, but rather because the extent to which I gain awareness my own sacredness, my own connection to Source, the rawness and realness of who I am, the greater good I can achieve. I believe the same is true for each of us.