Embodied Heart, Surviving n Thriving

The Walking Wounded: Struggles in Recovery from CSA

Today’s #EmbodiedHeart post feels particularly vulnerable as I take a hard look at my potential for recovery and functioning as a childhood sexual abuse survivor and as a person with multiple chronic physical and mental health conditions. The insight I’ve gained from this personal reflection has allowed some of the internal distress and discomfort that’s become particularly acute for me the past six months to make more more sense to me. My insight has not yet led to a particularly workable solution, so I am hoping to learn about how my readers have handled similar situations. I will say that ideas like “look on the bright side” or “remember others have it worse,” although not entirely without merit, are typically experienced as invalidating rather than as useful in most situations like mine.

I’ve unfortunately set myself up in a situation where I need to maintain a high level of performance across a variety of domains in order to stay on top of my finances and to preserve my living situation. My job is high stress and demanding. I have sufficient funds coming in but face an uphill battle to get my student loans paid off. I have to stay in my job at least a few more years in order to have the possibility of my loans being forgiven realized. As a homeowner, I am solely responsible for the upkeep and repair of my house. Without my family in my life, maintaining close ties to friends and acquaintances takes on a heightened sense of importance. My health is assisted by the fact that I stay active and eat a decent diet, but both of these behaviors require constant effort and monitoring. In short, I feel overwhelmed by trying to keep up with the demands of my life, while simultaneously becoming increasingly aware of the toll it is taking on my mind and body. I know that the situation in which I am in is largely my own doing, but that sense of “choice” doesn’t mean much when I can’t see a quick way out to a lower stress environment.

Despite the external and internal pressures under which I find myself operating, I’ve kept on keeping on for years. Recently, though, I’ve heard a loud “no more” from inside. Parts of me feel as though they are holding on to dozens of tangled strings, attempting to contain my mental health symptoms and body sensations. They are threatening to let loose of all of them at once, which I can only imagine would mean a severe deterioration in my functioning. I had a few years of significant impairment in my 20’s. At that time, my internal system believed I was in a safe enough environment to let go and then found out it wasn’t. Now, though, the issue is less motivated by hope and more by exhaustion and frustration.

I had a breakdown in therapy last year in which I shared with my therapist that I perceive myself as having full-blown PTSD and other disorders, but the pressure I feel to maintain my functioning is so strong that I can’t even allow myself to experience the acting out of the symptoms. Instead, I think I dissociate further and tuck away any loose articles that might tumble out of the overcoat of “I’m good, I’ve got this” in which I blanket myself. Something always gives, though, when we dissociate, and the hollowness and joyless outlook with which I am currently struggling is one such outcome.

There are steps such as a slightly reduced workload and more vacation time on which I’ve embarked to attempt to rectify the situation. My fear is that I won’t be able to fully placate the parts of myself who are completely fed up by my inattention to my inner needs and who almost seem to desire for me to “lose it” so that everyone else will witness the folly of my attempt to appear to have it together. I keep reminding myself that, as a general rule, decompensating to the point of needing intervention is very likely to be retraumatizing and brutal, not the posh vacation with room service which pieces of my mind seem to believe it to be.

My internal imagery for my experience one of running a race far beyond what my body and mind can take, with my single-minded focus on the finish line obscuring from me the fact that my shoes are torn beyond repair and my skin is crusted with salty dehydration. Now that I see the state in which I am, I know I need to recalibrate my intention and take some rest periods, but I also realize I have to keep moving forward, albeit at a slower pace. There is no reasonable option in which letting myself sink into the sandy landscape surrounding the track will do anything for me other than cause me to wither to a helpless shell of myself in the blazing sun. There is no one coming to save me, just as no one came to save me a child in an abusive home. Now, though, I believe I can look to my fellow travelers for at least encouragement as I plod along.

What have you done in situations where you felt you were in over your head? What resources have you leveraged to reduce your burden? How have you found the energy to keep going?

Goddessing Self Care

Moon-time Howling

For today’s #GoddessingSelfCare Sunday, I will be examining focusing on how women can engage in healthy and healing behaviors during our moon-time and throughout our cycle. This time is especially fraught for me as I suffer from PMDD, which stands for premenstrual dysphoric disorder. I describe my experience to others as having full-blown depressive episodes around the time of my cycle, which dissipate rapidly once bleeding commences. This experience can feel animalistic to me in its rawness and rage, even as I seek to reclaim it as part of my femininity. My writing here regarding moon-time is primarily aimed at those who identify as women, although I think it could also be useful if you have women in your life for whom you would like to serve as a support person.

The physical aspects of being a woman of child-bearing age have never been easy for me. I went through puberty earlier than most of my peers and did everything possible to hide the fact that I was getting my period. I would get severe stomach problems every month, to the point I’d need to leave school. I now experience migraines that correspond to my cycle. My mood swings during the premenstrual time are extreme and leave me feeling disillusioned with life and detached from those around me. I am prone to rage. My PTSD symptoms also increase significantly.

Given the distress I experience with my cycle, Goddess Spirituality has opened a new world to me in terms of the ideas of “red tents” and “moon-time.” There are dueling theories regarding whether menstrual huts served places to separate women who are viewed as spiritually unclean, or as places for women to gather during their cycle because of its sacred power. I think the former is much more likely than the latter in many societies, but I hope women gathering together in this way can become something we claim as sacred ground for us to celebrate our feminine experience. I think there is a good deal of cultural appropriation as well in what we make of these rituals, so I hope that we can develop new practices that are not overly reliant on customs and practices that may be sacred to a culture different from our own with which we are unfamiliar.

After coming to an understanding of how menstruation can be celebrated instead of shamed, I feel more able to view my experience as part of the general ebb and flow of life. In gathering in community with other women, I’ve seen how common some of my experiences are. I feel encouraged to take the time where things get especially rough for me as an opportunity to turn inward, and to release those things in my life that are no longer suiting me. I have high points as well throughout the month and I put more effort than I used to into harnessing the energy and strength I have at these times towards accomplishing tasks, so that there is less to do at low points.

I’ll be describing the self-care that I’ve personally found useful throughout my cycle, but I do want to note that you may not find yourself following the same pattern. Some women are energized during their time of bleeding, and drained around the time of ovulation. Others may not notice these changes. Trans-women as well as women with certain physical conditions may not have a traditional menstrual cycle, but may still identify with the ebb and flow of energy throughout the month.

Self-Care During the Waning and New Moon Phase

The time of the month leading up to and when we are bleeding correspond to the waning and new moon phases. Your energy may begin to decrease, and you may feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities you have in your life. You may find yourself withdrawing from others. Your emotions may be heightened. This time of the month and moon cycle offers an opportunity to:

  • Deepen your inner work. Your intuition is ripened and ready to release new knowledge. Use this time to learn more about yourself and your unconscious needs and desires.
  • Connect to your support system. Even though the impulse is to pull away from others, staying in touch with them and opening up the vulnerabilities you may be experiencing can enhance your relationships. I often find myself having more meaningful and longer conversations with a select person or people during this time.
  • Attune to your body’s needs. My body proclaims its needs loudly during this time. I ignore it to my peril. I tend to be more likely to schedule doctor’s appointments and adjust my habits to ensure healthy nutrition and sleep during this time.
  • Refresh your environment. I tend to redecorate, organize, clean and update my physical surroundings during this time, releasing any physical materials that are no longer needed. Surrounding myself with fresh flowers, scented candles, incense or other fragrant materials keeps me in touch with beauty even if I feel “gross” physically.

Self-Care During Waxing and Full Moon Phases

When the bleeding time ends, we enter a stage of energy and excitement as our bodies build towards the full moon of ovulation. You may experience a feeling of needing more in your life. Sexual desire could increase. Creativity blossoms. This time of month and moon cycle provides a chance to:

  • Set goals. The beginning and middle of my cycle can be a place where I take the reflection I did during my moon-time, and decide upon the specific goals that will get me closer to what I am seeking in life.
  • Direct your energy flow. There are times during this part of my cycle in which my energy can feel abundant. If I’m not careful, it gets spent on activities like making expensive purchases or starting a project for which I don’t truly have the necessary time or resources. It takes sustained effort for me to ensure I am channeling the energy I feel into productive and healthy endeavors.
  • Participate in community action. I am more interested in spending time with others at the start of my cycle. I find it useful to balance my engagement so that I don’t over-commit for the rest of the month, and so that I take advantage of this time to dig into relationships and activities.
  • Rejuvenate self-care behaviors. I find it easier to make positive changes in my eating, sleeping and exercise behaviors as I approach ovulation. My body has fewer cravings and I have the energy needed for vigorous exercise.

Your experience throughout your monthly cycle may mirror mine or may unfurl differently. What changes, if any, do you experience throughout the month? How does your energy peak and descend? How are your emotions and relationships affected by these changes? Women’s cycles have been stigmatized and ridiculed throughout human history; it is vital for us to stake our claim to our experience as our own unique way of being a woman in the world, and to find the common ground we all share.

Inner Work

Elemental Psychic Bathing

One of my many struggles as a trauma survivor that I experience is a difficulty in channeling my internal energy. Specifically, after a negative emotionally-charged event, I tend to hold on to and recreate the feeling again and again. It is as though I’ve walked through a sandstorm and keep finding grains tumbling off me in every direction, unable to shake myself clean.

When positive experiences happen, I have the opposite problem. I find myself unwilling to accept the natural ebb and flow of these feelings. I’ve tasted a delicious morsel and keep biting into random pieces of spiritual savories, refusing to wait until another special occasion for a nibble. For today’s #InnerWork Wednesday, I will be exploring a method for restoring internal energies to homeostasis.

Discharging Negative Emotions

Before I get in to specifics, I want to couch my guidance here carefully. The process I will be describing is intended for situations where something went wrong externally during your day and has already been resolved. So, if it is an issue within a relationship, you’ve discussed your concerns with the other person or made a clear plan to do so. Or, if it is a situation where something has physically broken and needs to be repaired, you’ve identified the problem and set in motion a fix. I do not see this technique working well if you are procrastinating in taking practical action in the real world; it isn’t a substitute for confronting what is causing you anxiety, anger and/or sadness.

My personal struggle with negative emotions, especially anxiety and anger, is that they persist well past their needed moment. For instance, I recently had a roof leak. I hired a roofer to fix the leak. He made repairs the same day and everything seemed in order. Instead of having even the tiniest faith that things would be okay, I obsessively checked the leak area every 30 minutes or more for hours, and began to go to other areas of my house that have minor problems, checking them as well. My initial burst of anxiety at seeing a stream of water where it should not have been simply would not downshift even when the coast cleared. I needed a way to let go of the energy I’d accumulated, which is why I turned to a psychic bath.

Taking an elemental bath gives you an opportunity to get creative and to use your imagination. I find it difficult to imagine complex visualizations, but the emphasis on physical experiences helps me during this ritual. You can use any of the four elements (earth, air, fire or water). It is likely that the element will change depending upon your emotion. You can also incorporate a physical sensation or practice into this ritual. For instance, you might light candles or a fireplace for fire or run a bath for water.

When I’m facing overwhelming anxiety following a stressful situation, and the purpose of the anxiety has run its course, the element that connects most effectively for me is air. I imagine myself in a desert or a high plain, in the midst of gale-force winds. They swirl and nearly knock me over with their sheer intensity. Any residue of anxious energy that clouds my psyche is stripped away, reabsorbed into the ether. The anxiety may have different colors, depending on the exact situation, such as green or black. I imagine these colors being dissolved into clear as they are carried away, each atom scattered from the next until they become part of the whole. I am left calm, sedate, and windblown. I may need a drink of water or a bath in order to balance the intensity of engaging with the air element.

No matter the element on which I center myself, I find it necessary to imagine it at peak intensity. I think this because my internal energy needs an external force of equal magnitude in order to be shaken loose. I do want to emphasis that I do not see any part of myself letting go or leaving, rather, I see the emotions which the various parts of myself carry as being adjusted. I do not have an internal barometer or thermostat; my feelings seem to be either all the way up or non-existent. Or both at once. This exercise enables me to readjust mentally without having to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms. If you experience greater graduation in your feelings than I do, your visualizations may also be less intense. Perhaps a soft breeze is all it takes mentally to remove excess anxiety.

Harmonizing Positive Emotions

At the end of an event or experience I am enjoying, I often feel as though I’m slamming into a wall. My emotional high-point has crested, and I am not willing to accept the lull that follows. In order to better titrate my experiences, I’ve found that elemental bathing which centers on water is the most useful.

Imagery and physical practice involving water can be used as a way to “blend” emotions and transition between emotional states. The metaphor of ocean waves approaching and retreating from a beach allows me to reconnect with the idea that my internal energy ebbs and flows; it is not stable and cannot always be at high tide. As I sit with this mental picture, I find my internal state swinging like a pendulum and then gradually slowing and centering.

I can also recognize the extent to which liquid water comprises my physical state. We are made almost entirely of water, and still we need to ingest it to sustain life. Here the active practice of mindfully drinking tea or water infused with herbs can refresh my body as well as calm my internal cravings to keep a positive mood afloat.

Literal bathing or soaking allows me to steady my energies. As I repose, I visualize the intense energy of excitement, happiness, connection and joy swirling and dashing through me. Gradually it begins to soften and loosen in the water. It dissolves outward, spreading to my surroundings with a burst of light and fragrance. These emotions can be draining if we try to hold on to them for too long; I believe they are meant to be shared and to inspire creative activity. As someone who struggles with depression punctuated by brief episodes of hypomania, my desire to always be in an “up” state can sometimes compromise my inner sense that this state is unsustainable. Frequent practice with the equilibrium offered by the water element has been beneficial.

Whenever I read about any technique related to emotions or cognitions, I find myself in a state of hypervigilance, scanning for any potential judgment or criticism. With that in mind, I want to note that I do not see this practice as even remotely all-inclusive or relevant to everyone. You may be able to modulate your emotions with little effort needed, or you may not wish to alter your experience of internal energy in any way. I am simply offering one possible practice that has connected for me. I look forward to learning more about the rituals and methods you use in relation to your emotions and energy states.

Surviving n Thriving

“Just Stay Positive” and Other Fallacies

If only keeping an optimistic mindset was the answer to all of life’s ills. Few things are more invalidating then telling people about a difficulty or struggle, only to have their first response be “well, you just need to look on the bright side.” For today’s #SurvivingnThriving Tuesday, I will be focusing on thinking patterns that frequently occur for individuals who have dealt with trauma. I desire to hold space for this discussion within a context that provides validation and support. My intention here to is examine language and concepts that may be useful in better understanding ourselves, and to discuss ideas at the intersection of spirituality and our inner thoughts. This is not an exhaustive study; I’m focusing specifically on aspects of thoughts to which I can relate in order to provide both a topical discussion and a personal reflection.

Cognitive Distortions

1. Depressive Rumination

Rumination is but one of many facets of depressed thinking. For me, it is a return, again and again, to a situation that I just can’t leave mentally. I perseverate on it. I mull it over, reminding myself repeatedly of what the other person did that was hurtful, or the specific ways in which I failed. Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness pervade. This wasn’t just a one-off; this is how it always goes for me and how it will always be, no matter what I do.

My certainty at the failure of myself and of others may not be the driver of this type of thinking. Rather, I go back to the place and time mentally as though watching a movie, believing in some irrational space that I can find the key warning, the ominous glance or sigh, the misunderstood intention, either so that in doing so I can rewrite history, or so that I can prevent this type of situation from ever occurring again. Ultimately, I refuse to accept that I failed, that the other person failed me and/or that failure may occur in the future. Perhaps the situation was truly unpredictable and unavoidable. It may be easier for my depressed mind to live in a state of half-truths, not quite aware of the real and not quite aware of the fantasy.

2. Anxious Obsessions

As a self-styled worry-wart, my mind is filled with anxious thoughts on a non-stop radio bandwidth only I can hear. I’ve lived a million possible futures and all of them end badly. If our thoughts really do become projections in an alternate universe, I’d like to take a moment to apologize to the troubled selves I’ve created. I can’t adjust the noise or tune it out; what I can manage on good days is brief moments of static during which another frequency can also play.

The best is when something unexpected happens. I go into “matrix mode.” Every potential outcome and its consequences are immediately weighed and balanced until a solution is found. On those special occasions where the most likely courses of actions are deemed too risky, the machine of my mind keeps running and running, hoping something more enticing will “compute.” Goddess forbid anyone attempt to give me a suggestion about how to solve my problem; literally within minutes of a stressor happening I have already measured out and rejected whatever the other person eventually ends up telling me to do. The whole enterprise is exhausting and isolating, but, short of substance abuse, I’ve found little to tame it.

Anxious thoughts have a natural antidote—compulsive behaviors. Worried about a relationship? Ask the other person if everything is okay. When the person says it is, my anxiety decreases. Nervous about paying for bills? I’ll check my bank account one more time to remind myself I have sufficient funds. These behaviors unfortunately do nothing more than maintain the anxiety, but I find them very difficult to avoid.

3. Hostile Intent

Anger and anxiety are cousins; we fight what we cannot flee and flee what we perceive ourselves unable to fight. In terms of thinking, psychologists have conceptualized “hostile attribution bias” as an explanation for aggressive behavior. In ambiguous situations, the angry mind may interpret potentially benign behaviors as threats. Even something as subtle as a facial expression can be a dig, an affront to our respect.

I’ve trained myself again and again to question the automatic assumptions my mind forms, and to directly discuss the issue in a non-attacking way with the other person. I try to describe the behavior I observed literally, and then lay out possible innocent and hostile interpretations for why the other person may have taken the action. Basically, I state “I saw you doing X, and I’m not sure if you meant Y or Z. Please help me understand.” In dealing with people I do not know well, I am almost always wrong in my assumption of hostility.

A red flag needs to be waived here though to caution regarding those individuals who are manipulative or abusive. They will seize on your openness to multiple interpretations as a way to disarm and gaslight you. If I’ve called someone on something and the person repeats a similar behavior or steps it up a notch, I disengage any attempt at “understanding” and focus on safety and maintaining boundaries in the situation.

4. Invalidation

Thoughts of invalidation can be initiated by another person or they can originate in our own mind. They are only able to affect us to the extent to which we accept them as truth. These types of thoughts delegitimize our experience behaviorally or emotionally. “That didn’t really happen that way.” “I don’t feel this.” “I’m fine.” “The other person didn’t do this, say this, or mean this.” Thoughts of this nature often function to temporarily decrease our uncomfortable or awkward feelings. If we use denial and discounting on a regular basis, our reality begins to warp. In our distancing of ourselves from our feelings or experiences, we can inadvertently undermine our sense of self and our connection to others.

I believe an insistence on “higher vibrations” and “positive thoughts only” frequently serve as sources of internal invalidation. It is neither reasonable nor healthy to deny anything that isn’t sugar-coated and syrupy. Terrible things happen every day to people who do not deserve them; I think we all need to wrestle with this reality if we want to live authentic and deep spiritual lives. It is completely acceptable to have periods of time where we are unable to do so because of our own situation, but to judge and discount those who point out this truth as “negative” exemplifies the spiritual bypass route of denial in my opinion.

Goddessing Our Thoughts

Psychological assistance is often needed to deal with past trauma. Many therapies directly target thought distortions and work to help individuals reinterpret and reclaim their experiences. The first step is almost always noticing our thoughts; recognizing when we are denying our feelings or misinterpreting others gives us an opportunity to see things from another vantage-point. I will leave it to you to determine the mental health care you may need related to these issues; I want to focus instead on spiritual aspects of our thinking. In other words, my suggestions are not prescriptive ways to “fix” thinking problems, instead, they are ways to gently support yourself while you do the hard work of trauma recovery.

1. Remind Yourself of the Bigger Picture

A wider perspective often serves to help us gain a foothold when we feel overwhelmed by anxious, depressed or angry thoughts. Perhaps there is someone you trust to give an honest appraisal of your situation. Engaging in actions like journaling may open your mind to another way to view your experience. If possible, taking a break to clear your mind may help you to re-center and re-engage with a new mindset.

It can also be useful to practice specific calming statements. The ones I use are not always particularly positive, but they are effective for me. I frequently remind myself of how short and unpredictable life can be, as a way to let go of minor irritations into which I could otherwise become entwined. When people get under my skin, I tell myself that they are going to have to spend the rest of their lives with their sorry selves, and I am lucky to only have to play a bit role in interacting with them. My anxiety and anger flare significantly when I am under time pressure, so I actively return to the idea that I have enough time and that a catastrophe is not going to result based on being a little short on time.

2. Connect Your Struggles to Those of the Divine

I have only begun to take full advantage of this way of supporting myself. A multitude of myths, legends and stories exist of Goddesses and other Divine figures, each of whom faced Her own trials and tribulations. By familiarizing myself with these tales, as well as experiencing the Presence of the Divine directly, we can diminish our sense of otherness and the isolation that negative thoughts may bring. I think we often find Source in others as well.

3. Include Positivity Alongside the Difficult

Psychological research shows us that those who are resilient do not necessarily think only positive thoughts. Instead, when faced with difficulties, they are able to find light moments. The easiest way I have found to ensure this happens is to make a regular practice of gratitude. I passionately detest any notion that we should feel better simply because someone somewhere else has it worse than us. Suffering in one form does not negate suffering in another form; it’s just more suffering. What I mean by gratitude is that there are always moments, even on my worst days, of beauty, gentleness, unexpected good fortune and hope. Allowing these experiences to exist alongside my misery, instead of as a counterweight to it, lets me breathe and take in both the good and the bad at the same time.

4. Use Ritual and Routine as Behavioral Aids

Waiting for the right mood to strike before taking action can be excellent fodder for procrastination and can act as an impediment to progress. Sometimes the action has to proceed the internal motivation. I’ve noticed that my routines and my spiritual practices tend to set the stage for me to feel connected and centered, especially if I stick to them with regularity no matter what my internal thoughts want me to do. A depressed mindset can easily twist a failure to follow through into one more reason we should feel guilty and unworthy. I simply notice when I’ve gotten off my routine and do my best to steer myself back on track.

5. Practice Awareness of Body, Mind and Heart

Our thoughts do not occur in isolation. They interplay with our emotions and our physical states. Simply gaining an internal awareness of the interconnected relationship between these internal experiences may assist us in better understanding who we are and how we function. We get to decide what we want to do with this knowledge. Practices like mindfulness can assist in this inner work.

Because I view our physical existence as a core component of spirituality, I see the insight we can gain about ourselves as having spiritual implications. We are each a unique expression of the Divine. As such, we reflect a specific core of energy. The more we are able to see the colors, shapes and shifts of who we are, the more our place in the cosmic web can become solidified and strengthened, and the more we can use this place of power to affect positive change in the world.

I think that’s it. I’ve spent so much money, time and effort in therapy and on my own trying to fix myself, trying to change myself, and the question is always to what end. Why does it matter what I think? Who cares how much I’m incorporating the positive or practicing my rituals? In my view, I see now that ultimately I am not putting in this effort solely to reduce my own suffering, but rather because the extent to which I gain awareness my own sacredness, my own connection to Source, the rawness and realness of who I am, the greater good I can achieve. I believe the same is true for each of us.

Embodied Heart

To Name the Loneliness

I wrote the reflection below during a time of feeling particularly in touch with aspects of isolation. I do not always experience myself in this way, which complicates the presentation. At the same time, I think giving voice to this side of who I am is valuable during times when the themes of family and celebration are ever-present, and so I decided to share it as an #EmbodiedHeart post today.

There’s an ache in my bones when I’m lonely. The fibers of my being seem to be stretched thin and taunt, pulling me along without offering full support to my frame. It’s physically painful, mirroring the emotional pain I feel inside. And, always, the snide little voice in my head reminding me that I “chose” this path by separating myself from my abusive family of origin.

Chronic loneliness and social isolation affect many trauma survivors. For those of us who have experienced incest, feelings of isolation can come in waves. The estrangement from family members who refuse to acknowledge the truth. The holidays endured, rather than celebrated, without a place to truly call home. The pervasive sense of being “different.” The awkward social interactions, stumbling to learn the rules of human communication without a guide-map from childhood. Romantic relationships which crash and burn the moment any semblance of betrayal surfaces.

I marvel that those who are able to wade through the deep waters of dark family secrets and make it to shelter and communion. Their hearts and hands seem mended. Tender moments and genuine healing seem to be the foundation on which they rebuild their lives.

I have brief instances where I surface and see the shoreline, but each mad dash towards it only seems to pull me further from land; more isolated, more guarded, more convinced I’m incapable of loving others. I tug myself onto a patch of sand, surrounded by water, and build castles of schemes and projects. I’ve retreated from seeking sails of potential connection on the horizon.

It is not without irony that I consider my greatest fear for my future. It is not dying alone, that I think I can brave as I’ve braved birthdays and graduations and other major life events bereft of acknowledgement and company. Instead, it is losing my independence. I envision myself one of those crotchety old-timers beating off the nursing home attendants with a cane. As much as my isolation can harm and does harm me, I wouldn’t trade it for subservience, compliance or enmeshment for a moment. Some things taste bitterer than the salty tears I shed on the seashores of my isolation.